New Food Plan

I really wish I was there! Up in the Smokey Mountains. It was so beautiful. Steven and I went there for his birthday in 2006.

I feel like, since everyone around me is, that I should change my food habits. It isn't because I want to follow the crowd it is because I have to change and I figure that if everyone else is doing it that it will be easier for me. Well it hasn't been easy at all- and it has only been one day. ONE day and I am feeling deprived, moody and I have had a headache since yesterday. Chocolate I suppose- or the lack there of. I have chocolate every day it seems. And I feel the only reason I want it now is because I an choosing to say that I can't have it. I weighed yesterday at 307. I weighed in the morning without any clothes on... and I weighed again at night with clothes on and I weighed 309. Good news is I weighed 304 this morning. I think my body is just in shock though- lol.

I think blogging will help me. It will certainly allow me to vent! And if I have some followers maybe I can get some support. Support is important when you are on any type of journey especially this kind.

I have been on so many diets so many times and had so many failures. I don't know why I think this one will be any different. I just keep saying in my head THIS time it is going to be different or THIS time I don't care if I lose a lot of weight I just want to be healthier. And I do just want to be healthier.... but I want to lose weight too. I fight with myself on occasion- I think why can't I have normal food - who cares - what if you don't wake up tomorrow and didn't get to eat what you wanted. I think the problem for me is that food IS something to me. It is important for sustaining life.... but it shouldn't be so important that I cry because I wont allow myself a piece of chocolate. What makes it THAT way for me? Why do I love food so much? Why does it matter that I might not have pie and end up dead without being able to eat it? Why does nothing taste good because I want something else?

I know what I would like- I would like to be able not to even think about food, to not care about food, to not enjoy food- for it to be just a necessity to live. I don't want to have to think about how much calories, fat or carbs it has. I don't want to have to think about if it is good for me... or if it is going to eventually kill me. I just want to eat what I eat and it not affect my health, my weight and my appearance. I don't want the struggle. I don't want it to be hard. Why does it have to be so hard?

How do you change your mindset? How do you change your feelings. How can I not feel so deprived and WHY do I feel deprived? It drives me crazy.

Well I need to get back to work... till next time!