As I look back over the blogs that I have posted in the past I wonder where all that excitement went. Where is that person that was so excited when she ran her first lap at the gym? Why did I quit the journey... is there such a thing? I don't think there is such a thing as "quitting" a journey. When you think about it- you start a journey for a reason and that journey contains goals and paths to those goals. Can you go down the wrong path? Yes. Can you quit and go back to the beginning? I guess you can literally quit and never look back. But I think what happens is you set it aside to pick up again one day. I mean- who wants to give up goals and dreams? Things happen, paths change- destinations become fuzzy- and you feel lost. That's where I am now. And I have been here before. It seems like I am continuously trying to find me and what I am all about- why do I do the things I do, why do things affect me as they do, why this and why that? I do know that the BIG journey-- the journey of life-- cannot stop until you die. This is the end of your earthly journey and the beginning of a new journey- for me - my heavenly journey with God. And perhaps that is what I am talking about- my life journey. Not a mini journey of losing weight but a journey that encompasses much more than losing weight. It contains my hopes, dreams and aspirations- you know what it is? It is that self-actualization Mr. Maslow talks about... Is that even possible? Are we, as humans, constantly struggling to get there?
I know for me my journey seems to stop all the time to be picked up at another time. As I said things happen. What made me stop this time- nothing can MAKE you stop- you choose to stop. So why did I? I don’t think it was a conscious effort. I didn’t say I am so tired of this - I am going to stop. I didn’t say this is too hard I am choosing a different journey. Those pesky emotions got in the way a lot! If we could just think of things logically and keep emotions out of it!-- then again, how boring would life be if that were the case?
So yes you guessed it- I "paused" my journey because "life" got in the way and somewhere along the way I lost what I had been searching for- It's pretty crummy when you lose what you haven't found yet! But now I am ready to start again with knew paths to the same journey- new goals and aspirations. I am excited but I am hesitant... how long will it last this time keeps going through my mind. I guess I should put it on the table my thoughts about what has went on during this "pause". Perhaps I can get some insight from my support system (that means I welcome your replies!!!).
First thing that happened I guess was last summer my Mammaw, that woman is so close to my heart, fell and broke both of her knees. Yes both of them- most of you know this already. I believe this has done something to her mentally. I have never seen someone change as much as she has since this happened to her. My once strong, graceful, loving and self-confident beautiful grandmother has changed. Although still as beautiful and loving as ever- she is not strong nor does she have a lick of self-confidence about her. We went through many obstacles with this ordeal- and still are going through things related to it. First the hospital, then home, then back to the hospital, then to rehab, then back home. And she is still on a walker and I dare say she will probably be on it for the rest of her life. She won’t walk without it and yells at anyone who questions her use of it. She uses her age as an excuse to limit herself. Every time I talk with her I ask her how she is doing and she says she is old. I think I have anger issues here. I am angry that she doesn’t challenge herself, I am angry that she uses her age as some kind of magical excuse that well... excuses her from "life"! I am angry that she hasn’t healed physically or mentally from the fall. I am angry that her strong and confident nature has been stripped from her! I am heartbroken that I call to see how she is and she says OLD. I am angry that she uses that to excuse her attitudes and behaviors. I am just very heart broken over the whole thing. Then......... I have to look and see if I am angry because I feel I have lost something. Wouldn't that be just plain selfish of me. Does it make me selfish because I miss what she once was? My go to person, the one who I could talk to about anything, the one who loved me for who I am not who I should be... one of the ones who encouraged my dreams and passions, one of the ones who has saw me through my darkest times? Do I even have a right to be upset? I think I may have those feelings - but I also know I hurt FOR her. But.. I also miss her support. Is that wrong?
Then- it happened. Something I wasn't expecting and out of nowhere my Papa dies. He fell going to the studio to get labels for Christmas cards. What at first I thought was SO stubborn- he knew about the ice- he KNEW he shouldn’t be out there... but when you think about it- labels for Christmas cards. I was fortunate enough to be with him through to the end. My grandfather and I had a strange relationship. One I have no regrets about. We fought a lot. I disappointed him a lot. He angered me a lot.... (laughing) Yes we had a strange relationship. But not many people know the intimate side of things like when he used to pick me up and put me in his lap when I was about 3 & 4 years old and read to me (yes I remember), or how he would take me to his studio (he was a photographer) and let me be his model or let me watch the magic of a picture appearing from nowhere on a sheet of "paper", the hours we spent singing while he played his guitar or the time, most recently, that I was in the hospital very sick and he called me to play his guitar and sing to me many songs- one of which was "you are my sunshine". I miss him. I still have not grieved his death. I miss the intimate side of him... but I also miss the other side. He challenged me. He gave me fits- but I grew from them. I love you Papa, I am glad I got to sing to you in the hospital and hold your hand as you left this Earth to be with the Heavenly Father. Rest well.
This too- has taken a toll on my Mammaw. She misses him, she grieves for him, she reaches for him... The whole thing is hard and I can't get past it.
THEN... I tried the mini marathon again this year. As I rounded the corner at Churchill I rolled both my ankles. It was just shy of 10 miles of this 13.1 mile trek and I could hardly walk. I made it to the first aid tent as Stephanie and her mother continued on (with a lot of encouragement and insisting on my part). They wrapped both my ankles and sent me on my way to try to finish. I walked about a fourth of a mile and was in excruciating pain. I had the police call medic to come and pick me up. I was devastated. I was annoyed. And I was disappointed in myself. Yes I was injured…. Yes the best athletes have DNF’s (Did Not Finish) on their records… but still I felt every emotion I stated.
To add insult to injury – my Mammaw called to see how I was doing. I told her I was feeling better and my ankles were sprained- air cast on both ankles- so on so forth. And she tells me- in a very disgusted voice well you just need to stop all this craziness! I said excuse me? I mean this from the woman who from day one nurtured me to be a do anything you want to do- follow your dreams- kind of person. I was taken aback. But what really upset me was the next thing she said to me: “you are too old and overweight to be running around trying to do all of this stuff—trying to do marathons and staying up all hours of the night!”…. and some other stuff I do not remember…. I said Mammaw… that is exercise I need…. And she cut me off and said “exercise is NOT the wherewithal”. I said what do you mean… She said “exercise isn’t everything…. You are sick all the time” (which I am not).
And guess what? I had my first two mile run (I have never stopped being able to run a mile) last night (mini training again) and half way through it I heard “you are too old and fat to be doing this”… and the tears streamed…………………………………
So these are just a few things that have brought me here- Searching for a new way to the same journey. My doctor has put her foot down- bad news from blood test has caused her to be stern about my diet and exercise and lighted my fire again- not to mention my running partner has a new "fire" as well. It is that will to live and loving life thing that is pushing me (smiles). I am going to close for now. Hopefully I can continue updating you guys of what is going on. I thank all of you for your support, encouragement and pushes-gentle or stern. I am not sure when I will get to writing about the paths and goals section- as the emotions are raw right now and I need to get a lot out but know that they are coming. Bear with me through the "journaling" aspect of my blog- but it will give insight as to my struggles before we celebrate the victories.
With love and hugs to everyone,
Christy
PS: A video of my little peanut-- Emma Grace-- She shines and I gather in her rays! (Please excuse my brothers colorful language LOL)
Well, wow what can I say, lots of information here that can be taken in so many directions. First off, you are very right our journey is never over, we train we peak we plateau we rest we do nothing, rinse and repeat. The key to finding happiness in all of the physical is finding things that you love to do. If it is half marathons, 5k's hiking in the woods or white water rafting. So many people get into working out with the end goal of wanting to loose weight. But once you get into the grove of things in the right enviroment surrounded by the right people, you will see that training is so much more than just the physical, it is the mental and emotional as well. I started my own journey of discover over a year and a half ago, well I can just say I am never looking back, ups yes, downs yes, in betweens? YES but I know I will never be the same person I was before I started and neither are you. Just think of all the information you have accumulated through your "fittness journey" and you realize you have learned about injury prevention/treatment, overtraining, principality of overload, atrophy, breaking down of adipose tissue, semi myocardial infarctions, reflex arcs, Necrolsis of the skin, Hemolisis, carbhohydrate, Lipid and Protein breakdown and many many other things that were all a mystery before. I think it is common to become obsessed in fitness once you start seeing the effects, feeling the endorphins, you just want more and more. What your Grandmother might not see is that beyond the physical, exercise has made you socialize so much more than you ever did before. Instead of doing things for others ALL the time, you stepped out of your box and did something for you. Christy, you are a giver and people are so used to you taking care of them or giving them unconditional love and attention all the time, they mix up things when you start to do things for yourself. This does not mean you love them any less or want to help them any less then you did before, you are just allowing yourself to love yourself enough to do things that are right.
ReplyDeleteDo you wonder why nurses are always tired ? Besides working crazy hours, it is because they often give and give to their patients and leave nothing in return for themselves. Positive feedback from other people go so far, as selfish as it may sounds you have to put YOUR HEALTH and YOUR BODY FIRST. I hope this little insight helps, hope to talk to you soon..
<3 ur long lost friend
CL
CL,
ReplyDeleteSorry I haven't chatted back!! I had no idea your response was here. After I wrote this blog we went into our "insane" time at work... 108 hour work weeks do not allow for much else than work. Thank you so much for your post. It meant the world to me. Oh man I cried when I read it. You are such a special person and I miss talking with you. Now that I have actual time I want to get serious about my health/weight and everything else in my life again... so look for lots more posts. You can email me directly too. We are signed up for the snowman series, the triple crown of running and the mini-marathon. I am very excited but scared (kinda) at the same time-- I have A LOT of training to do. The first race is in December - 5K.. will be posting soon. HUGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS you tight!
Love and Hugs,
Christy